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Funny and wise quotations

We are always the same age inside.
Gertrude Stein

No pessimist ever discovered the secrets of the stars, or sailed to an uncharted land, or opened a new heaven to the human spirit
Helen Keller

Michael Jackson was a poor black boy who grew up to be a rich white woman
Molly Ivins

The author of this book is beyond psychiatric help
Editor to J G Ballard

I found nothing really wrong with this autobiography except poor choice of subject.
Clifton Fadiman

President Clinton apparently gets so much action that every couple of weeks they have to spray WD-40 on his zipper.
David Letterman

He was like a kamikaze pilot who keeps apologising for the attack.
Mary McGrory on Richard Nixon

I worship the quicksand he walks in
Art Buchwald on Richard Nixon

Must you fall asleep while I'm speaking?
No, it is purely voluntary

I don't, the Queen does.
Dame Edith Sitwell when asked why she called herself Dame.

Listening to Williams Fifth Symphony is like staring at a cow for forty five minutes.
Aaron Copland

I liked the bit about quarter to eleven
Erik Satie on Debussy

Anything too stupid to be said is sung

No but I've stepped in it
Sir Thomas Beecham on whether he had played any Stockhausen

He was so mean it hurt him to go to the bathroom
Britt Eklund on Rod Stewart

Leonard Cohen gives you the feeling that your dog just died

She is the sort of woman that lives for others, you can always tell the others by their hunted expression
C S Lewis

The fastest way to a man's heart is through his chest.
Roseanne Barr

When you go to the mind reader, do you get half price?
David Letterman

The only reason he had a child is so that he can meet the babysitters.
David Letterman about Warren Beatty

She not only kept her lovely figure, she's added so much to it.
Bob Fosse

Oh, what a pretty dress - and so cheap!
Zsa Zsa Gabor

A woman went to a plastic surgeon and asked him to make her like Bo Derek.
He gave her a lobotomy Joan Rivers

Dickie, you're so crooked that if you swallowed a nail you'd s**t a corkscrew.
Templer to Lord Louis Mountbatten

I think it would be a very good idea.
Mahatma Gandhi's reply to a journalist when asked what he thought of Western civilisation.

Whose wife shall it be?
Tooke to the suggestion that he should take a wife.

Our planet is the mental institution of the universe
Johann von Goethe

Biologically speaking, if something bites you, it is more likely to be female.
Desmond Morris

The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost luggage.
Mark Russell

Hull is other people
Jonathan Cecil

I couldn't imagine a better place for making a film on the end of the world.
Ava Gardner on Melbourne

If I owned Texas and Hell, I would rent out Texas and live in Hell.
General Sheridan

It's a fact that if you stay in California you lose one point of IQ for every year.
Truman Capote

The three ages of man: youth, middle age and "You'e looking well, Enoch"
Enoch Powell

I don't know anything about music. In my line, you don't have to.
Elvis Presley

I bequeath all my property to my wife on the condition that she remarry immediately. Then there will be at least one man to regret my death.
Heinrich Heine

Your idea of fidelity is not having more than one man in the bed at the same time
Dirk Bogarde

I changed my mind
Mae West, Does it work any better?

I like the lights on
Shirley Maclaine, Then go home and turn them on

Click, click, click
Katharine Hepburn referring to the cogs inside Meryl Streep's head, her least favorite actress

A testicle with legs
Pauline Kael on Bob Hoskins

Manifestly subliterate
John Simon

He is to acting what Liberace was to pumping iron
Rex Reed

Silicon from the knees up
George Masters on Raquel Welsh

Dramatized stench
Review of Mrs Warren's profession

If you can do it then why do it?
Gertrude Stein

I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.
Les Dawson

A committee is a cul-de-sac into which ideas are lured and then quietly strangled.
John A. Lincoln

The human race, to which so many of my readers belong ...
G. K. Chesterton

No problem is insoluble, given a big enough plastic bag.
Tom Stoppard

The most hazardous part of our expedition to Africa was crossing Picadilly Circus.
Joseph Thomson

Another victory like that and we are done for.

Kindly inform the troops immediately that all communications have broken down.
Ashleigh Brilliant

There are two classes of people in the world - those who divide people into two classes and those who don't.
Robert Benchley

If you think the problem is bad now, just wait until we've solved it.
Arthur Kasspe

Dogs are sons of bitches.
W. C. Fields

I haven't killed anyone all day - help me keep it that way.
Clint Eastwood

Don't stand there doing nothing - people will think you're just a workman.
Spike Milligan

To write a diary every day is like returning to one's own vomit.
Enoch Powell

It is not enough to succeed - others must fail.
Gore Vidal

I talk to myself a lot, but it bothers some people because I use a megaphone.
Steve Wright

One day I sat thinking, almost in despair; a hand fell on my shoulder and a voice said reassuringly, 'Cheer up, things could be worse.' So I cheered up, and sure enough, things got worse.
James Hagerty

I can only hope that when the enemy reads the list of my officers' names he trembles as I do.
Duke of Wellington

QUANTAS is the condom on the penis of progress.
Ian Tuxworth

They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist ...
General Sedgwick

Would you like to find out what it is like to be a member of a minority group? Try putting in a honest day's work occasionally.
Kelly Fordyce

Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.
Michael Shea

It's great to be with William Buckley, because you don't have to think. He takes a position and you automatically take the opposite one and you know you're right.
J. K. Galbraith

I have my standards. They may be low but I have them.
Bette Midler

The trouble with doing nothing is that you can never take any time off.
Hoagy Carmichael

Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs or cutting hair.
George Burns

In the battle of wits, Frank Fay entered the skirmish almost totally unarmed.
Milton Berle

Have you ever noticed that wrong numbers are never engaged.
Steve Wright

The method preferred by most balding men for making themselves look silly is called the comb over.
Dave Barry

Who invented the brush they put next to the toilet? That thing hurts.
Andy Andrews

A collison is what happens when two motorists go after the same pedestrian.
Bob Newhart

I didn't belong as a kid, and that always bothered me. If only I'd known that one day my differentness would be an asset, then my early life would have been much easier.
Bette Midler

Love involves a peculiar unfathomable combination of understanding and misunderstanding
Diane Arbus

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing-and then marry him.

Whenever you want to marry someone, go have lunch with his ex-wife.
Shelley Winters

My friends, there are no friends.
Coco Chanel

He offered me some saltered peanuts and he said, "I wish they were emeralds" and that was the end of my heart. I never got it back.
Helen Hayes

Anyone who's a great kisser I'm always interested in.

If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question.
Lily Tomlin

A woman has got to love a bad man once or twice in her life, to be thankful for a good one.
Marjorie Kinnan Rawlings

A caress is better than a career
Elisabeth Marbury

I don't need an overpowering, powerful, rich man to feel secure. I'd much rather have a man who is there for me, who really loves me, who is growing, who is real.
Bianca Jagger

I like not only to be loved, but to be told I am loved.
George Eliot

When I was very young I fell deeply in love. . .and really believed I would never feel that way again. . .then nine years later. . .I did, and much, much more strongly and deeply than before.
Isak Dinesen

As you grow older, you'll find that you enjoy talking to strangers far more than to your friends.
Joy Williams

If it is very painful for you to criticize your friends-you;re safe in doing it. But if you take the slightest pleasure in it, that's the time to hold your tongue.
Alice Duer Miller

If you want to be listened to, you should put in time listening.
Marge Piercy

I am not afraid of storms for I am learning how to sail my ship.
Louisa May Alcott

If only we'd stop trying to be happy, we could have a pretty good time.
Edith Wharton

Be happy. It's one way of being wise.

What is most beautiful in virile men is something feminine; what is beautiful in feminine women is something masculine.
Susan Sontag

Thoughts have no sex.
Clare Booth Luce

Fiction reveals truths that reality obscures.
Jessamyn West

If we could sell our experiences for what they cost us we'd be millionaires.
Abigail Van Buren

You will do foolish things, but do them with enthusiasm.

The best mind altering drug is truth.
Lily Tomlin

We are tomorrow's past.
Mary Webb

In youth we learn, in age we understand.
Marie Von Ebner-Eschenbach

My husband and I have figured out a really good system about the housework: neither of us does it.
Dottie Archibald

Abstract art is a product of the untalented, sold by the unprincipled, to the utterly bewildered.
Al Capp

There is only one difference between a madman and me. I am not mad.
Salvador Dali

There is only one difference between a madman and me. The madman thinks he is sane. I know I am mad.
Salvador Dali

If it sells, it's art.
Frank Lloyd

All the arts in America are a gigantic racket run by unscrupulous men for unhealthy women.
Thomas Beecham

There is nothing on earth more terrible than English music, except English painting.
Heinrich Heine

I've been rich and I've been poor - rich is better.
Sophie Tucker

A lot of people become pessimists from financing optimists.
C. T. Jones

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
Ed Furgol

They usually have two tellers in my local bank. Except when it's really busy, when they have one.
Rita Rudner

I haven't reported my missing credit card to the police because whoever stole it is spending less than my wife.
Ilie Nastase

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.
Henry Youngman

When I was young I used to think wealth and power would bring me happiness. I was right.
Graham Wilson

All the great economic ills the world has known this century can be directly traced back to the London School of Economics.
N. M. Perrena

I did not marry my wife because she had four million. I would have married her if she had only two million.
Charles Forte

Reality is an illusion created by a lack of alcohol.
N. F. Simpson

A tavern is a place where madness is sold by the bottle.
Jonathan Swift

He can barely read and write - Eton, of course.
Lawrence Durrell

Americans will eat garbage provided you sprinkle it liberally with ketchup.
Henry Miller

I am not a vegitarian because I love animals; I'm a vegitarian because I hate plants.
A. W. Brown

An actuary is someone who cannot stand the excitement of chartered accountancy.
Glan Thomas

My definition of utter waste is a coachload of lawyers going over a cliff with three empty seats.
Lamar Hunt

An editor should have a pimp for a brother so he can have someone to look up to.
Gene Fowler

The preface is the most important part of a book. Even reviewers read a preface.
Philip Guedalla

He is a distinguished man of letters. He works for the Post Office.
Max Kaufmann

Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.
Emo Philips

The best way to find something you have lost is to buy a replacement.
Ann Landers

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech - every now and then she stops to breathe.
Jimmy Durante

I cannot believe that out of 100,00 sperm, you were the quickest.
Steven Pearl

There are three ways to get something done; do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it.
Mona Crane