Funny and wise quotations
We are always the same age inside.
No pessimist ever discovered the secrets of the stars, or sailed to an uncharted land, or opened a new heaven to the human spirit
Michael Jackson was a poor black boy who grew up to be a rich white woman
The author of this book is beyond psychiatric help
Editor to J G Ballard
I found nothing really wrong with this autobiography except poor choice of subject.
President Clinton apparently gets so much action that every couple of weeks they have to
spray WD-40 on his zipper.
He was like a kamikaze pilot who keeps apologising for the attack.
Mary McGrory on Richard Nixon
I worship the quicksand he walks in
Art Buchwald on Richard Nixon
Must you fall asleep while I'm speaking?
No, it is purely voluntary
I don't, the Queen does.
Dame Edith Sitwell when asked why she called herself Dame.
Listening to Williams Fifth Symphony is like staring at a cow for forty five minutes.
I liked the bit about quarter to eleven
Erik Satie on Debussy
Anything too stupid to be said is sung
No but I've stepped in it
Sir Thomas Beecham on whether he had played any Stockhausen
He was so mean it hurt him to go to the bathroom
Britt Eklund on Rod Stewart
Leonard Cohen gives you the feeling that your dog just died
She is the sort of woman that lives for others, you can always tell the others by their
C S Lewis
The fastest way to a man's heart is through his chest.
When you go to the mind reader, do you get half price?
The only reason he had a child is so that he can meet the babysitters.
David Letterman about Warren Beatty
She not only kept her lovely figure, she's added so much to it.
Oh, what a pretty dress - and so cheap!
Zsa Zsa Gabor
A woman went to a plastic surgeon and asked him to make her like Bo Derek.
He gave her a lobotomy
Dickie, you're so crooked that if you swallowed a nail you'd s**t a corkscrew.
Templer to Lord Louis Mountbatten
I think it would be a very good idea.
Mahatma Gandhi's reply to a journalist when asked what he thought of Western civilisation.
Whose wife shall it be?
Tooke to the suggestion that he should take a wife.
Our planet is the mental institution of the universe
Johann von Goethe
Biologically speaking, if something bites you, it is more likely to be female.
The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of
Hull is other people
I couldn't imagine a better place for making a film on the end of the world.
Ava Gardner on Melbourne
If I owned Texas and Hell, I would rent out Texas and live in Hell.
It's a fact that if you stay in California you lose one point of IQ for every year.
The three ages of man: youth, middle age and "You'e looking well, Enoch"
I don't know anything about music. In my line, you don't have to.
I bequeath all my property to my wife on the condition that she remarry immediately. Then
there will be at least one man to regret my death.
Your idea of fidelity is not having more than one man in the bed at the same time
I changed my mind
Mae West, Does it work any better?
I like the lights on
Shirley Maclaine, Then go home and turn them on
Click, click, click
Katharine Hepburn referring to the cogs inside Meryl Streep's head, her least favorite
A testicle with legs
Pauline Kael on Bob Hoskins
He is to acting what Liberace was to pumping iron
Silicon from the knees up
George Masters on Raquel Welsh
Review of Mrs Warren's profession
If you can do it then why do it?
I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.
A committee is a cul-de-sac into which ideas are lured and then quietly strangled.
John A. Lincoln
The human race, to which so many of my readers belong ...
G. K. Chesterton
No problem is insoluble, given a big enough plastic bag.
The most hazardous part of our expedition to Africa was crossing Picadilly Circus.
Another victory like that and we are done for.
Kindly inform the troops immediately that all communications have broken down.
There are two classes of people in the world - those who divide people into two classes and those who don't.
If you think the problem is bad now, just wait until we've solved it.
Dogs are sons of bitches.
W. C. Fields
I haven't killed anyone all day - help me keep it that way.
Don't stand there doing nothing - people will think you're just a workman.
To write a diary every day is like returning to one's own vomit.
It is not enough to succeed - others must fail.
I talk to myself a lot, but it bothers some people because I use a megaphone.
One day I sat thinking, almost in despair; a hand fell on my shoulder and a voice said reassuringly, 'Cheer up, things could be worse.' So I cheered up, and sure enough, things got worse.
I can only hope that when the enemy reads the list of my officers' names he trembles as I do.
Duke of Wellington
QUANTAS is the condom on the penis of progress.
They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist ...
Would you like to find out what it is like to be a member of a minority group? Try putting in a honest day's work occasionally.
Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.
It's great to be with William Buckley, because you don't have to think. He takes a position and you automatically take the opposite one and you know you're right.
J. K. Galbraith
I have my standards. They may be low but I have them.
The trouble with doing nothing is that you can never take any time off.
Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs or cutting hair.
In the battle of wits, Frank Fay entered the skirmish almost totally unarmed.
Have you ever noticed that wrong numbers are never engaged.
The method preferred by most balding men for making themselves look silly is called the comb over.
Who invented the brush they put next to the toilet? That thing hurts.
A collison is what happens when two motorists go after the same pedestrian.
I didn't belong as a kid, and that always bothered me. If only I'd known that one day my differentness would be an asset, then my early life would have been much easier.
Love involves a peculiar unfathomable combination of understanding and misunderstanding
The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing-and then marry him.
Whenever you want to marry someone, go have lunch with his ex-wife.
My friends, there are no friends.
He offered me some saltered peanuts and he said, "I wish they were emeralds" and that was the end of my heart. I never got it back.
Anyone who's a great kisser I'm always interested in.
If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question.
A woman has got to love a bad man once or twice in her life, to be thankful for a good one.
Marjorie Kinnan Rawlings
A caress is better than a career
I don't need an overpowering, powerful, rich man to feel secure. I'd much rather have a man who is there for me, who really loves me, who is growing, who is real.
I like not only to be loved, but to be told I am loved.
When I was very young I fell deeply in love. . .and really believed I would never feel that way again. . .then nine years later. . .I did, and much, much more strongly and deeply than before.
As you grow older, you'll find that you enjoy talking to strangers far more than to your friends.
If it is very painful for you to criticize your friends-you;re safe in doing it. But if you take the slightest pleasure in it, that's the time to hold your tongue.
Alice Duer Miller
If you want to be listened to, you should put in time listening.
I am not afraid of storms for I am learning how to sail my ship.
Louisa May Alcott
If only we'd stop trying to be happy, we could have a pretty good time.
Be happy. It's one way of being wise.
What is most beautiful in virile men is something feminine; what is beautiful in feminine women is something masculine.
Thoughts have no sex.
Clare Booth Luce
Fiction reveals truths that reality obscures.
If we could sell our experiences for what they cost us we'd be millionaires.
Abigail Van Buren
You will do foolish things, but do them with enthusiasm.
The best mind altering drug is truth.
We are tomorrow's past.
In youth we learn, in age we understand.
Marie Von Ebner-Eschenbach
My husband and I have figured out a really good system about the housework: neither of us does it.
Abstract art is a product of the untalented, sold by the unprincipled, to the utterly bewildered.
There is only one difference between a madman and me. I am not mad.
There is only one difference between a madman and me. The madman thinks he is sane. I know I am mad.
If it sells, it's art.
All the arts in America are a gigantic racket run by unscrupulous men for unhealthy women.
There is nothing on earth more terrible than English music, except English painting.
I've been rich and I've been poor - rich is better.
A lot of people become pessimists from financing optimists.
C. T. Jones
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
They usually have two tellers in my local bank. Except when it's really busy, when they have one.
I haven't reported my missing credit card to the police because whoever stole it is spending less than my wife.
What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.
When I was young I used to think wealth and power would bring me happiness. I was right.
All the great economic ills the world has known this century can be directly traced back to the London School of Economics.
N. M. Perrena
I did not marry my wife because she had four million. I would have married her if she had only two million.
Reality is an illusion created by a lack of alcohol.
N. F. Simpson
A tavern is a place where madness is sold by the bottle.
He can barely read and write - Eton, of course.
Americans will eat garbage provided you sprinkle it liberally with ketchup.
I am not a vegitarian because I love animals; I'm a vegitarian because I hate plants.
A. W. Brown
An actuary is someone who cannot stand the excitement of chartered accountancy.
My definition of utter waste is a coachload of lawyers going over a cliff with three empty seats.
An editor should have a pimp for a brother so he can have someone to look up to.
The preface is the most important part of a book. Even reviewers read a preface.
He is a distinguished man of letters. He works for the Post Office.
Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.
The best way to find something you have lost is to buy a replacement.
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech - every now and then she stops to breathe.
I cannot believe that out of 100,00 sperm, you were the quickest.
There are three ways to get something done; do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it.